Look. Weddings are like adult summer camp — a few days away from real life, a bunch of semi-connected people in the same room. And now that we’re adults, we get to add alcohol.
Of course things are going to get a little spicy.
If you’ve indulged yourself in a wedding hookup, congrats. What a blast. If you haven’t, maybe you should consider it — what a fun way to explore a little and push yourself outside of your comfort zone (if you want!). It doesn’t have to be a whole shebang, but I hear a little lighthearted flirting and maybe a hotel hallway make out can do wonders for your complexion.
I can make quips all day, but at the end of the day we all know nothing is ever quite that simple. Especially when romance becomes involved. Inevitably, one or both of the parties involved start to wonder…could this be something more than just a fun tryst? Were we just caught up in the romance of a weekend surrounded by love and commitment? Once reality hits on Sunday, are you even that into them?
I’m not here to deal with beer goggles (but if you’ve never heard this cover of Simon & Garfunkel’s The Sound of Silence by a college acapella group about the concept please take a few minutes to listen — my mom blasting it in the car while we cackle with laugher is one of my cherished teen memories). But I can talk about the few things I’ve learned watching friends (and perhaps myself?) grapple with the dreaded wedding hookup question.
Could this be more?
As with most things I choose to write about, there is no single, one-dimensional answer here. It depends! (Are we loving my new catchphrase yet??)
So how can you tell which camp 😉 your wedding hookup falls into? Let’s think about this scientifically, I love a good experiment.
Hypothesis: Last weekend’s wedding hookup could turn into something real. Prove or Disprove. Let’s examine the evidence, shall we…
Clue #1:
- Physical chemistry
- Clearly there was some level of physical chemistry, even if you were just flirting — it’s hard to keep that going longer than a few minutes without at least a little something crackling between two people
- But was it real or were you just caught up in the moment?
- Here, I’d think about whether or not you still get those fun tingly feelings when you think about the person after you’ve gone your separate ways
- If you had a fun hookup (from flirting to a home run #ballmetaphors), it might feel sort of “done” once the person is no longer in your direct line of sight
- Be honest with yourself here — are you still thinking about getting this person naked in the future?
- If yes, this is one point for the hypothesis
Clue #2:
- Psychological Chemistry — look, I wanted to call this “intellectual chemistry” but I don’t want people to get mad thinking I only mean intellect. I’m talking about personality, emotional intelligence. Basically, vibes outside of the basic physical attraction. Did you two have any?
- Question — did you even talk about anything outside of the basics, like how they know the bride or groom?
- Did you learn what they do, where they’re from, anything about who they are outside of the bubble of the wedding weekend?
- Definitely don’t dwell on their job here (hence my internal conflict about what to call this category) — some of the best conversations I have with people I first meet never include what they do for a living. It’s honestly refreshing to stray from allowing “what do you do?” to define so much about our modern introductory banter. So maybe you didn’t learn about their resume, but did you learn anything about the type of person they are?
- They love to bowl, hate 80s music, only drink cachaça because of that one semester they spent in Rio?
- If you didn’t have any of these discussions, congrats! You get zero points
- But if you did, follow up question — did the conversation make you want to learn more about this person?
- If yes, collect one more point
Clue #3:
- Intentions
- I personally feel like we don’t talk about this enough, because you can have the best chemistry in the world with someone…but if you’re not looking for the same things, then it doesn’t really matter (I said what I said)
- I’m sure I’m going to get an influx of “if he wanted to he would”-type hate mail here, but my personal belief is that it’s totally possible to meet an amazing person who you could absolutely have a future with, but the timing and/or circumstances just won’t make it possible
- And this is why it’s important to understand where both of you are in your intentions before you get excited about any future potential
- Did he or she say anything about their dating life back home, mention past relationships (maybe indicating they’re still smarting after a big breakup)?
- Did you get lucky and this person actually point blank said they’re looking for love?
- More importantly — do you even know what YOU’RE looking for right now?
- One easy (but not foolproof) way to assess intentions is whether or not you exchanged contact info before you parted ways at the wedding.
- If yes, have they reached out? Do you want to make the first move and reach out yourself?
- Look, I’m old school. I prefer it when the man makes the first move because it shows me that he’s direct, secure, and goes after what he wants. But I’ve also absolutely made the first move before — and successfully! So don’t be shy, but if this is already feeling a bit squirrely to you then it might say something about your (or their) intentions
- If you’re feeling in the dark here, you could always ask a mutual friend or even the bride (after the honeymoon! Or at least a few days after the wedding once they’ve had some time to recover) if they know anything about this person’s relationship past or goals
- Better to know now if a guy has historically exhibited classic f*ck boy behavior
- BUT I’m personally a fan of letting people tell me who they are themselves vs taking information like this at face value — so make sure you consider any external feedback with a big ‘ole grain of salt
- But the intentions are critical to figure out before you dive in. I’ve seen way too many relationships implode because one or both of the people wanted to believe that they could shoehorn their intentions to match the other person’s — and maybe if they stuck it out long enough, they could even change their mind
- Don’t try to change their mind! If they’re looking for something casual and you’re in the market for a relationship or vice versa. Eject! Immediately. Please.
- As I’m writing this it’s become clear that I’m going to write a whole article on this concept too. If you have thoughts hmu so I can include them
- But in the meantime, if you get the impression that you’re both on the same page, one more point for you
- I personally feel like we don’t talk about this enough, because you can have the best chemistry in the world with someone…but if you’re not looking for the same things, then it doesn’t really matter (I said what I said)
Clue #4:
- Logistics
- It’s amazing what’s become possible in today’s age of technology. It’s no longer a deal breaker if you fall for someone who lives in another city or even another country. BUT, it still poses challenges. So it’s worth thinking about it.
- Do you and this guy/girl live in the same city? Travel for work? Is it logistically feasible for you to see each other again sometime soon?
- If yes, another point.
- If no — have a hard conversation with yourself about whether this is really something you’re excited about and want to make the effort to figure out, or if this is going to become a distraction that never actualizes into something real.
- It’s amazing what’s become possible in today’s age of technology. It’s no longer a deal breaker if you fall for someone who lives in another city or even another country. BUT, it still poses challenges. So it’s worth thinking about it.
Clue #5:
- Ego
- This is no fun to talk about, but it’s a huge part of modern dating and relationship culture that I think goes overlooked. We all fall victim to our own egos from time to time, and it’s better to own up to it than to desperately cling to the illusion that we’re somehow immune.
- So I want you to really think about the answer to the following question:
- Are you excited to see this person again, or do you just want them to want to see you again?
- I find that women in particular spend a lot more of their mental energy worrying about whether or not the other party is in to them than actually reflecting on how much they themselves like the person — I want us to get out of the habit immediately
- One way to think about this is if you’re spending more time overanalyzing their text messages or DMs than actually getting excited or fantasizing about seeing them again
- Do they watch your Instagram stories? WHO CARES. This honestly means next to nothing. And if you’re stressing over it isn’t doing yourself any favors
- I find that women in particular spend a lot more of their mental energy worrying about whether or not the other party is in to them than actually reflecting on how much they themselves like the person — I want us to get out of the habit immediately
- Are you excited to see this person again, or do you just want them to want to see you again?
- If you’re genuinely excited to see this person again and not just busy wondering if they want to see you again, one big point for you
Clue #6:
- Butterflies
- If you’re really considering transitioning your fun wedding hookup to something more, there better be butterflies
- Any early relationship should have butterflies! The excitement, semi-anxious feeling you get when you know this could maybe be something
- Do NOT confuse the fun, nerve-y butterflies with actual anxiety — if they’re a poor communicator, sending mixed messages, or being unclear, these are not butterflies they are warning signs. Run.
- So how are you thinking about this person after you’ve left the wedding bubble?
- Does it make you giddy? A little nervous? Maybe you even fantasize about the next time?
- That’s awesome, take a point. At the very least you have a solid new crush to add to the list.
Alright ladies (and gents if you’re here — welcome), let’s tally up your points!
If you have zero, you know what I’m going to say here. Congrats on having a fun little wedding fling for the books. Remember it fondly and move forth with your life.
If you have 1-4 points, you might have an exciting opportunity on your hands! Do a little more digging (internally or otherwise) to see if there might be something there. But don’t waste too much of your time or romantic energy on someone with no real potential. So make sure you get the outstanding questions answered quick. You’re a hot commodity and you deserve to be treated as such!
Scored 5+ points?! Congrats! You might have some future potential from your wedding hookup.
So what now? Do you reach out and set up a date? Do you need to wait for them to make the move (see above)? We’ll have a separate conversation about dating etiquette these days, but for now I’ll just leave you with my current campaign slogan: WE DO NOT NEED PEN PALS 2024.
So let this person know you want to grab a drink or hop on a phone call to suss some things out. If you don’t want to fully take the lead, why not playfully tell them to ask you out? But in the age of modern dating apps morphing into glorified validation tools, let’s make the effort and do the work to actually see if someone we had a connection with at a wedding might possibly be something more, not just sit and wait.