I recently ended a brief relationship and re-downloaded my dating apps. Then a few days ago I deleted them again.
I know what you want me to say. That I met someone amazing so quickly that I no longer need them.
Sadly (but not surprisingly) that’s not what happened.
I had decided to be a little more intentional with my profile this time around. I really thought about the prompts I chose, trying to ensure they gave me the opportunity to not just showcase my personality but also my values. I vowed to spend a little more time perusing a man’s profile before I quickly rejected it. And I picked a wider variety of photos that I hoped showed a little more of my personality than just the cutest pics. I’m going to be honest with you, I was pretty proud of myself. I felt like I’d finally reached that “taking dating seriously” status that my friends have been hounding me about for years (decades?), not to mention accepting that apps are a necessary evil (I mean tool 🙄).
I started swiping. I quickly got some matches and started conversations. I set up some dates. All the usual moves, pretty much as expected. But that’s not the point of this article.
It’s actually what I noticed was starting to happen in the rest of my life…it slowly began to shrink behind the scenes. Suddenly the chill time on the couch that I’d usually spend reading was taken up by swiping. I was finally being intentional after all, right? So I should maximize my time — and thus, my matches — to increase my odds of success, I reasoned. Without even thinking, I was ordering more everyday items online rather than running out to the store (and into the world) to grab them. And I realized that I had begun to *crave* the moments just before sleep when I lay in bed daydreaming about life, my phone safely tucked away for the night.
Arthur Brooks recently talked about how we all need to go back to feeling bored more often. He contends that moments of boredom are what unlock our mind to contemplate life’s big questions, like finding our purpose or even true happiness. I couldn’t agree more with the underlying sentiment of this statement — that our endless opportunities for rapid entertainment are taking a toll on our collective psyches.
So why am I blaming the dating apps? I’m not, but I do think they represent more than one part of the problem. The fact that the apps are too gamified and don’t incentivize people to actually meet in person or, god forbid, actually find love has been extensively written about. But I think there’s another problem with them too. If we’re spending all of our downtown passively swiping, we’re eliminating — or at least reducing — the amount of time we could be spending cultivating literally any other interests. And I would argue that having interests, or being interesting, is a critical part of succeeding not just in dating but in life.
Who wants to go on a date with someone who literally does nothing but work and swipe on dating apps? What on earth would you talk about after the first ten minutes?
The same goes for catching up with friends. If the only life updates you have are the number of blah first dates you went on or that one guy who actually seemed promising but ghosted you, what are you really bringing to the table (see what I did there)?
I’ve talked — everyone is talking — about how people these days are starved for community and real connection. That’s why dating apps have become so addictive in the first place! But cultivating genuine connections is about more than just meeting people, it’s about who you are when you finally get a chance to introduce yourself.
I recently saw a tweet that said something along the lines of “everyone wants a village but no one wants to be a villager” (I can’t find it but if you do pls send and I will link). This perspective holds true here too. To build a community, you need to be a contributing community member. To be in a relationship, you need to bring half of the joy, wonder, romance, and excitement yourself.
Dating apps are a tool that connects us with a vast array of people at the touch of a button — or the swipe of a screen. But I fear they’re becoming a crutch. Something that makes us feel as if we are being “productive” when in fact what we’re doing is just becoming boring. So I deleted the apps (after going on a few solid dates tbh! So if you’re in a different place than I am don’t lose hope) so that I can spend a little time resurrecting my actual interests and rehabilitating my persona as a (hopefully) fun and compelling human being that others want to be around.
Looking for ideas to rediscover the most interesting — and interested — parts of yourself?
- Try a new hobby! For me it was discovering a stone carving workshop a literally stone’s throw (ha the puns are strong this week) from my apartment. I feel confident that my first “sculpture” will be nothing more than a glorified doorstop, but idgaf I’m having a blast making it.
- Read something new. Personally I’ve been leaning heavily into comedy and romance lately given everything happening in the world. But for you it might be a fun memoir (next on my list: Please Kill Me, The Uncensored Oral History of Punk) or historical saga (it took me way too long to finally read The Wager and it was, quite literally, epic).
- Give back in some way. I recently got back into the habit of donating blood regularly (it’s literally so easy, I used this resource to find my new go-to spot in NYC). But you may want to volunteer at a local food bank or get more involved in your synagogue or church. Something that reminds you how fulfilling it can be to contribute to your own village.
- Learn a new skill or language. I have a trip to Mexico coming up this summer, and I fully plan to use it as an excuse to brush up on my rusty Spanish. Set a goal for yourself! It doesn’t have to be huge, but it should be something you can feel good about achieving.
What other ideas do you have? I’d love to hear from you about how you’re currently cultivating your own interests xx
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