As I mentioned in my first post about modern weddings, a lot has changed in the last decade in how we celebrate a couple’s impending nuptials. There are wedding hashtags (trying to explain that one to my mom was a kick), self-written vows, and more friends officiating than religious leaders nowadays. But in my opinion, one of the places where this shift can be felt most seismically is the bachelorette party.
Looking back at the dozens (yes, we’re probably over 50 at this point) weddings that I’ve attended, I now realize that fewer than 5 included what might now be called an “old school” bachelorette party — i.e. a single night on the town in the days leading up to the wedding. Nowadays it’s pretty much assumed that the bachelorette will take up an entire weekend, and sometimes even a long one requiring attendees to take extra days off of work. Today’s bachelorette parties generally include travel (domestic if you’re lucky), theme outfits, games, and party favors:
Rather than dwelling on how on earth we got here, let’s accept that here we are and talk about it.
Should you have a destination bachelorette party? What are the pros and cons of jumping on the bandwagon and planning a weekend for the girlies vs a single night of partying?
Let’s break it down for the brides-to-be and their ever-faithful MOHs:
PROS
#1: The bride feels more celebrated
Let’s be real, if you’re getting your friends to spend an extra 2-3 days of their lives dedicated to your happiness (because, you know, the wedding is a multi-day affair as well), the bride-to-be is sure to feel the love big time
#2: Women in the bridal party and beyond can bond
It could feel like a mini-vacay for all involved. If you plan it right, it can feel like a celebrating and a break for everyone involved. But you need to plan it right…check out the FAQs below for some tips
#3: The bride gets extra time with her closest girlfriends, both as a group and individually
One big night is going to be a whirlwind, so it’s unlikely anyone is getting meaningful time with each other one on one. With a full weekend and proper planning (again, see below), everyone should have the chance to party as a group and get some solo time with the bride
#4: It’s what everyone else is doing
Look, we’re tribal people and if you want to believe that groupthink doesn’t exist then good for you…but it does. And social media has made it worse. So we all want to do what everyone else is doing so that we can both fit in and stand out (because everyone knows their bachelorette will be the best, right?!). What a fun way to connect the women from different stages of your life together!
CONS
#1: Another multi-day event to plan to precision
This ends up falling mostly on the MOH, but between booking the house and planning the itinerary and ordering the swag, a destination bachelorette is a logistical nightmare to plan properly. So if you’re going to do it, give yourself plenty of time to get the details right.
#2: Additional costs to everyone involved
A weekend vacation is expensive, period. Now add the matching bikinis, more drinks than you’d likely be consuming on your own, and maybe even a gift for the bride (see below FAQs for some dos and don’ts), and this weekend is going to cost everyone big. As a bride, think long and hard about your attendees before opting for the destination bachelorette — of course it’s your wedding and you can do whatever you want, but if you expect certain people to attend you need to take their financial situations into account
#3: You might get fewer people to attend for a full-weekend vs one night due to scheduling
In addition to the financial costs (see above), it’s unlikely that all of the people you want to be there will all be available for the same full weekend. People have jobs, lives, maybe kids depending on your age/life stage — you have to factor all that in when you think about your dream attendee list for a weekend-long bachelorette. Plan way ahead to maximize attendance, but you’re also going to have to be okay with the fact that some people won’t be able to make it, see below
#4: Some people might have to be excluded
A benefit of a one-night-only event is that you can really blow it out — invite everyone, the new friend you think might make it to your inner circle but isn’t quite there yet, your work wife who you love but have never fully bonded outside of the office — everyone is fair game for one epic night of partying. If you’re going to do a full weekend, then you’re going to have restrictions like house size and dinner reservations to compete with, so you might have to pare down your dream invite list
#5: It’s what everyone else is doing
Just because it’s what everyone else is doing these days doesn’t mean it’s right for you! Social media has morphed our already overworked sense of comparison shopping to new levels — if a destination bachelorette doesn’t sound fun to the bride, don’t do it!
Are you going to go for it? Hell yeah — beachside rental in Punta Cana lfg! But…now what? BONUS CONTENT BELOW:
How to plan the best possible destination bachelorette — not just for the bride, but for everyone involved 🥰 below I break down some FAQs I get to help the bride (and her trusty MOH) plan the best weekend possible.
Destination Bachelorette Frequently Asked Questions
- Domestic vs International destinations — how to choose?
- I’ll caveat all of the answers with the fact that this is the bride’s wedding, and she can choose whatever her heart desires. BUT, this particular choice is a good one to make with your dream girl group in mind…what can your bffs afford and logistically travel to easily enough?
- This might vary based on your own life stage, professional situations, and the like. But the best destination is one that the bride will love but also allows all the most important people to make it in one piece and without excessive debt. Yes, Lake Como may be stunning this time of year, but there are epic beaches all over if that’s what you’re really looking for.
- Should you rent a house, book hotel rooms, have everyone stay locally?
- This depends both on the destination you’ve chosen as well as the type of weekend you want. A big group house is going to foster the most togetherness — even in your downtime everyone will be under the same roof. But for introverted brides this might actually end up being a nightmare. So think about the balance of bonding vs recharging you’re looking for, then pick the option that best suits you.
- How many people should you invite?
- The type of accommodation you’ve chosen (above) may beget a particular guestlist number — maybe the biggest house rental on the island you’ve chosen can only accommodate 8 or 10. This might cause you to reevaluate your choice (you can generally find more hotel rooms for larger groups if you book farther in advance), but in general I’m of the belief that once the list starts climbing above ~12 you’re going to end up with a less cohesive trip.
- In fact, my personal opinion is that 6-8 people is the optimal size if you want to keep everyone together and bonding — any more than that and you’re going to get factions forming out of sheer necessity. But this goes back to the bride’s wishes too. Maybe she’d choose more people over having everyone all together the entire time. That’s her call. But in my opinion the sweet spot rarely gets too far into double digits.
- Do you need to invite your fiancé’s sister, cousin, or other female relatives?
- No. Invite whoever you want. If that means excluding a friend who absolutely assumes she’ll be invited but you know she’ll create drama — take her off the list. The absolute last thing you want is to have planned an epic weekend, asked everyone to fly across the country (or the world), and to end up miserable because the person you felt obligated to invite is stirring the pot, making things awkward (see: the groom’s little sister 👋), or dragging the group down with their negativity
- Look, I know that weddings are fertile soil for family drama, so sometimes there’s a situation where you decide you actually want to go along with an obligatory invite to keep the peace. That’s your prerogative! But if you’re going to go through the trouble of having a blowout bachelorette, make sure you’re going to enjoy every second of it.
- Should attendees cover the bride’s costs?
- NO. And I stand firm on this one.
- Look, it was a nice gesture back when this was a single night out and not a multi-hundred (let’s be real, multi-thousand at this point) expense for everyone involved. But once it becomes a trip, the bride needs to handle her own expenses. If this is a sticking point, perhaps it’s something that her mom wants to chip in for, or the bridal party wants to cover a chunk. All viable options! But it shouldn’t be a given and definitely shouldn’t be assumed. Any additional costs should be discussed upfront so there are no ugly surprises when the Venmo requests come out.
- On that note, I do think that treating the bride to one of the dinners, or bottle service at a club one night, or all pitching in a few bucks for a commemorative gift is a great gesture and one I’m all for. But again, it should be discussed (and agreed upon) ahead of time, and whichever option is chosen should be respectful of everyone’s particular situations (i.e. jobs, lifestage, cost of destination, etc)
- How do we think about splitting dinner/drinks costs on nights out?
- This is a tough one, because we all know how stressful splitting even a single group dinner tab can be. There are obviously lots of options here — different girls can throw their cards down then keep track in an excel later, everyone can pay their own way on every single tab — but in my personal opinion? This should be covered by the person in charge (likely the MOH) and handled by her after the fact.
- This may not be possible for everyone, and I say this as a math-minded MOH myself. But it’s just so easy for these things to get complicated. If there are no surprises, then it should be simple enough for the MOH to pay for all of the big group expenses (activities, dinners, etc) and then divide them up at the end and send Venmo requests.
- If this is how it’s done, please be respectful and pay those requests as soon as you see them. Don’t make her pester you weeks later with a “just checking to see if you saw my Venmo!” text.
- There are also a few extenuating circumstances here — what if a member of the party is pregnant and not drinking (or not drinking for other reasons)? These are individual situations that can be discussed with the MOH ahead of time to properly accommodate. Not everything needs to be hashed out amongst the entire group in real-time.
- Finally, once you make it to a bar and things start getting sloppy — revert to normal night out behavior and everyone can fend for themselves. It’s fine to assume that at the dinner table most people drank more or less the same portion of the shared bottles of champagne even if it doesn’t perfectly add up (we’re all friends here, right?). But everyone parties at different paces so once the shots are out all bets are off.
- Are theme nights adorable or packing nightmares?
- This may be a hot take, but I love a clear-cut dress code throughout the weekend. It makes packing easier, the expectations are clear, and there’s a better chance of everyone being on roughly the same level of dressiness as the group which does wonders for those ever desirable social media pics.
- That being said, it shouldn’t be too hard to pick themes that don’t require excessive shopping. If you’re already making everyone fly out for a weekend getaway, also do your best to avoid forcing them to buy 2-3 entirely new outfits that they’ll only wear once.
- Now, I personally love an excuse to shop for a cute new outfit. So if there’s a theme and a dress I’m coveting that I know I’ll wear again — I love the excuse! But it should be a fun choice for the attendees, not a prerequisite for not sticking out like a sore thumb in every picture.
- How many activities should be on the itinerary?
- Everyone is different, but I’m personally a fan of trying to follow the statistical term “reversion to the mean” while also staying true to the bride herself. If she is a maniacal activity person, then go ahead and pack the itinerary to the brim! But remember that the weekend is full of individuals with different personalities, energy levels, and alcohol tolerances — so don’t be shocked when someone needs more downtime than you allocated.
- With that in mind, I personally always try to factor in extra “getting ready” time to account for anyone who might want to add a nap into their primping routine. I also am a firm believer that the craziest night of partying should be the first night, no matter what. I know, I know, people are arriving at different times and some might be jet lagged. But without fail, everyone is so excited to get together and kick things off the first night that there’s no stopping the momentum. Accept your fate and make that the blowout night.
- If you’re looking for a template, here is my high-level outline of a weekend itinerary:
- Day One: arrivals
- Have snacks and champagne ready at the house for everyone to munch on and hang while you wait for everyone to arrive
- Forgo a fancy, structured dinner and instead go straight out on the later side (once everyone has arrived) with the biggest party — bottle service, bar crawl, or whatever blowout the bride desires
- Day Two: morning
- Let people sleep in and have a grab-and-go breakfast ready for the chosen few who get up and fit in their morning jog
- Don’t plan any group activities to begin until at least 11am
- Day Two: afternoon
- Activities — whatever the bride wants (boat ride, escape room, beach day, you name it)
- Day Two: evening
- The big fancy dinner — pick a restaurant with a fun vibe that takes a group reservation and have an amazing dinner
- Have bars/clubs in mind nearby for going out after. Everyone will definitely still want to go out but may not have the manic energy of night one, so you can see where the evening takes you
- Day Three: morning & afternoon
- This should be a slightly tamer version of the previous day’s itinerary, because the hangovers are starting to spread
- For some parties, this may be even be the day people leave already
- Day Three: evening
- This is the night to have a chef come to the house and make a delicious dinner
- Bachelorette games are great for this night, knowing that some girls will rally and party all night and others will sneak upstairs to pass out early
- Day One: arrivals
- Swag — cute or excessive?
- Matching bikinis, sunglasses, and tote bags have all become mainstays on bachelorette parties these days. But should they be?
- As with everything else, if the bride wants them you can make them happen. But again, see above — they should be discussed with everyone ahead of time! If you’re going to make people fork over for bright pink sunglasses that will break on the plane ride home, make sure to give them a say in the matter. Maybe give them a few options to choose from and let the group vote. But don’t add an extra $50 charge for matching swag without a legitimate heads up.
- Separately, you may decide against group swag but still want to do something for the bride (a sash or tiara, or even her own bride bikini). In my opinion this falls under the purview of the MOH and her choices/expenses, but if you want the group to chip in again, just run it by them first.
- Does anyone actually enjoy the party games?
- This all comes down to your group! Every friend group is different just like every bride is different, so do whatever you think everyone will genuinely enjoy. Some typical party game ideas in case you’re stumped:
- The Lingerie Game
- Each girl gets a budget (e.g. $30) to spend on lingerie for the bride, and then she has to guess who bought her each piece. For every wrong guess, the bride has to take a drink
- The Newlywed Game
- This one takes some coordination with the groom, but I’ve found it to be a crowd pleaser. The MOH films herself asking the groom certain cute, sentimental, or silly questions about himself and the bride to play during the game. The bride has to guess the groom’s answer to each question before it’s played. Again, a drink for every wrong answer.
- Bridal Bar Crawl
- The MOH designs a list of funny tasks for everyone to try to complete while out and about at the bars (find a guy with the same name as the groom, take a picture with the bartender making a heart sign with the bride, find a guy on the street willing to give the bride a piggy back ride to the next bar, you get the idea)
- The Lingerie Game
- This all comes down to your group! Every friend group is different just like every bride is different, so do whatever you think everyone will genuinely enjoy. Some typical party game ideas in case you’re stumped:
- For the invitees, how to say no if you can’t make it?
- Last but not least, one of the questions I get asked most often by someone wracked with guilt over the fact that they can’t make it to a friend’s bachelorette party. My answer is always the same — be honest! And be kind. Tell the bride you’d love to make it, but you just can’t swing the time off/expense/time away from kids. You of course want to make sure she feels celebrated though, so offer to take her to dinner or drinks solo when she gets back so that she can tell you all about the trip and you can fawn over her appropriately.
- As a bonus, I like to send a bottle of champagne/round of shots/something in my stead during the weekend to any party I can’t make (coordinate with the MOH/hotel/restaurant to make this happen) if I can swing it.
What other questions do you have about the destination bach?? Drop them in the comments below and maybe we’ll make this a series.