My best friend just got engaged. And holy sh*t am I excited.
Even more excited than I was when my friend made me a cake entirely out of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups for my birthday…
Why am I so excited? It’s not even my wedding, but if there’s anyone in the world who deserves the love of a lifetime it’s this woman. First of all, she’s found the relationship she’s always wanted in the sweetest way possible — she and her high school boyfriend fell back in love after more than a decade of never seeing each other…are we in a romance novel?! Sheesh. But there is also no one in my life who puts out as much love and kindness as she does. And now I, the best friend, now get to play a part in making the beginning of this next chapter of her life the fairy tale that she deserves.
Being a type-A, overbearing best friend, I of course immediately began mentally organizing any event that she might let me get my hands on. I am determined to make her feel cherished and celebrated right now, and I’ll do anything to make her feel the love surrounding her. And I was telling my dad exactly this when he was visiting NYC the week after she got engaged. I was detailing all of my fledgling ideas to him as he nodded along politely, undoubtedly grateful that we had tickets to a Broadway show shortly so I could only drone on for so long. Much to his dismay (I’m projecting here), I launched back into my monologue the next day at dinner, telling him that I’d chatted with my friend again and she’d admitted that she wasn’t sure she wanted a “traditional” bachelorette where we rented a house somewhere for a full weekend of festivities with a big group of her girlfriends.
My dad’s laugh interrupted me. I looked up at his skeptical eyes.
“It’s so funny what ‘traditional’ weddings have become these days,” he commented.
And of course he’s right. I’ve gone so far down the rabbit hole of destination bachelorettes and five-day wedding extravaganzas that it was jarring to be brought back down to earth so swiftly. It was a little over a decade ago that I was going out for one night in Chicago to celebrate my soon-to-be sister-in-law’s upcoming wedding to my brother. She was kind enough to invite her groom’s little sister. But she refused to wear a sash or a tiara. It was just a big dinner and night out with her girlfriends (and her closest gay friend was of course included). That was it.
What on EARTH has happened in the decade since then? Is it all down to social media, we’re all just trying to keep up with the Joneses these days?
I’ve decided to dig into this a little further. I am, after all, a professional wedding guest.
Sort of.
Between the ages of 29 and 30, I famously (at least among my friends) attended 21 weddings in the span of ~18 months. I even had to turn down a few invites due to scheduling conflicts and, you know, having a job. But for that year and a half, I was a present-day Katherine Heigl in 27 Dresses, flying somewhere every other weekend for a wedding, bachelorette, shower, or something in between. Among those 21 weddings, only a single one was even in the city of New York, so you can imagine the frequent flier miles I racked up.
So while there may be no PhD in Modern Wedding Etiquette, I’m awarding myself an honorary degree. And I want to talk about some of the unique situations that have arisen in the age of today’s wedding culture. I’m even going to delve into dating and relationship culture because, as I mentioned, I was single at all of the 21 weddings and never brought a plus one. And since then I’ve also attended a handful of celebrations with my (now ex-) boyfriend — so I’ve really seen as close to it all as possible at this stage.
Is the wedding shower now obsolete? Why does everyone write their own vows these days? Is a wedding hookup always just a casual fling, or could it be something more? Let’s dig into this a bit and see what’s new, what remains tried and true, and what we could maybe leave behind in today’s day of over-the-top Instagram weddings.
I’d love to answer some of your own questions here about your own wedding guest (or bride, or sister-in-law) experiences — leave them below in the comments and let’s see if we can get some answers.