Everyone I talk to is sick of dating apps. They’re oversaturated. They give the illusion of infinite options. They make people lazy. But what’s the alternative?
According to my very reliable sample set of single friends, there is no alternative. Dating apps are the only way people meet potential partners these days. The pandemic made us all less likely to approach each other in the wild. Gender dynamics are shifting such that men are so worried about appearing creepy that the art of the pickup line is dying (may I suggest “hello”? Groundbreaking, but I swear it works). And there are fewer and fewer community spaces for people to even interact outside of bars.
So I guess we’re all just screwed then? I refuse to accept that. And a few weeks ago I got some evidence that all is not lost. I personally experienced a meet cute in my own life.
Before I go any further, I need to confess something. This meet cute wasn’t with a potential romantic partner. It was with a literary agent. I don’t think I’ve talked much here about my novel (!!!), but long story short I’m shopping it around to literary agents right now (if there are any agents in the Revellations community hmu!) and finding the right agent for a work of fiction is a massive undertaking that I quite frankly underestimated.
Not unlike searching for the right romantic partner…
So indulge me for a moment while I use this example to explore the possibilities of meeting people IRL in general — professional contacts, romantic prospects, or new BFFs.
First, let’s dial it back. Why do people yearn for a meet cute in the first place?
One of my guy friends used to tell me that he worried I’d never find love because he thought I was holding out for a “fairytale romance”…
Honestly, I think he was wrong. But I understood how from an outside perspective he might think that was the case. I wasn’t active on dating apps, wasn’t really “putting myself out there” when it came to dating, and was pretty quick to reject guys after the first date if I didn’t feel a connection.
But was that because I expected some man to swoop in and quite literally sweep me off my feet? I mean sure that’d be cool, but that really wasn’t it. It was that I trusted my gut. And since I was meeting these guys in person, I felt I had sufficient evidence after the first initial meeting → ask out → first or second date to make a reasonable assessment about whether or not I wanted to continue seeing this person.
I’ll be the first to admit that now that I’ve taken the plunge to try dating apps, the landscape of this “gut feel” has completely transformed. And isn’t that why we all kind of wish we could just meet people in person? Because the benefit of meeting someone in person is that you get an immediate feel for their vibe. And that’s what’s missing from dating apps.
This isn’t a knock on dating apps. I use them now that I’m feeling more intentional about what I’m looking for. And they’re an incredibly valuable tool for meeting people who you know are actively prioritizing their romantic future. They allow you a glimpse into someone’s background and priorities (and looks) before you agree to meet them. But for better or for worse, there is quite literally no way to get a sense of someone’s in person energy via a dating app. You simply have to meet in person to know if the two of you vibe.
And that’s why I think people are still desperate for the meet cute. Sure, rom-coms have taught us that it’s a more romantic story and all. But let’s be real. If you meet the love of your life and want to spend the rest of your life with them, it absolutely should not matter how that person dropped into your life in the first place. I think that the majority of the desire to meet someone IRL is that the number of subconscious cues you can get from a person by spending even a few minutes in their presence is worth more than a hundred exchanged messages in a dating app.
Pretty much everyone I talk to — male or female — says that having a sense of humor is critical when assessing a potential partner. And I see that in men’s profiles all the time. But I think even the phrase “sense of humor” has literally no meaning in the sphere of modern dating (and especially apps). Because almost everyone has *some* sense of humor. But I contend that what we’re really looking for is someone who laughs at the same types of things that we do. Someone who finds silliness and joy in similar places that you do. So in actuality maybe it’s even a subset of the overall values you hope to share with your partner.
So while apps can be a great facilitator, there’s simply nothing like getting a gut feel for someone you meet in the real world.
So let’s get back to my meet cute a few weeks ago. I was grabbing coffee with a fellow writer friend after a day of DEEP editing on my manuscript. I had just decided to shift the narrative arc of the story so that I could market my novel as an “anti-romance” — a term that I just created in my head but surely am not the first to coin, mostly because I was sick of people assuming that just because I’m a woman writing a novel for woman that it of course had to be a story about finding love. (Spoiler-ish: my book is a comic novel about the absurdity of women being told they should have their lives figured out by the time they turn 30. Not a romance.)
I was telling my friend about the shift I was making in the story, and honestly I was subtly trying to pitch her on being a new beta reader (like a beta user for a startup, writers ask people to read their early manuscripts to make sure the story is resonating with their target audience). Suddenly a woman from a few tables over approached us and said her ears had perked up when she heard us talking about writing. She’d been covertly eavesdropping on our conversation and she felt that she needed to introduce herself — because she is actually a literary agent, and my book sounded like one she’d be interested in reading. Would I be willing to send her more info about it…um, yes! What could be cuter than saying you met your literary agent in a coffee shop when she overheard you ranting to your friend about your novel?!
And that’s when it hit me. We don’t just yearn for the meet cute in our romantic lives. We look for it everywhere. And yes, as a writer I really do love the possible narrative of saying that I met my agent in such a random and fun way. But like with romantic prospects, it’s about more than just the story. This woman heard me talking about my novel. She got a glimpse into who I am as a writer and the underlying motivations of my story. She already had significantly more information than she ever could have gotten had I simply sent her a cold email with my pitch.
This is the alchemy that can’t be recreated via apps or zoom or emails. And it still exists out there in the world. I promise. All it takes is the right perspective. The right energy. The right openness.
Don’t be afraid to eavesdrop a little (we all do it, don’t lie) if you hear the cute guy at the table next to you talking about a movie you also love. Don’t feel weird when you smile at the guy in line behind you for coffee and joke about getting your caffeine fix. We’re all hungry for connection. And what’s the worst that could happen? He doesn’t laugh at your joke. Or he’s not single and walks away with a little pep in his step because he knows he’s still got it 💁
Fortune favors the bold. So if you feel burned out on dating apps, don’t lose faith. Take a break! They’re just a tool. A useful one, for sure. But not the only one.
And ok if you’re looking for a little extra hope, I did just meet a great guy when I was out at drinks with my friends too 😉
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