Looking for a new job? Searching for your forever partner? Trying to publish your manuscript…? I’ll bet you’re miserable.
Why is it that we as humans just genuinely suck so much at waiting?
I talked in my last article about how many people in my life are currently looking for something new in their lives. What I didn’t mention was that for the lucky few who’ve actually figured out what it is that they want to change, they’re still pretty unhappy. In fact, they may even be a little more miserable than the ones who know they’re searching for something but don’t quite know what it is.
Yesterday I got a response from a literary agent that I reached out to about my manuscript. Don’t get too excited, she just wants to read more of it. It’s still a long road ahead. But when I went back to update the tracking document I’ve been keeping of my agent outreach, I noticed that it had been *more than four months* since I reached out to her in the first place. And on top of that, I noted that her query instructions (the formal process authors use to try to snag an agent) explicitly indicate that if you didn’t hear back from her within 12 weeks you should “consider it a polite pass”. And here I was, getting a positive response from her almost TWENTY weeks later.
Look, everyone told me when I began the journey of trying to get my novel published that publishing was an ancient, slow-moving process and it takes years for a book to actually make it from manuscript into the market. And I believed them! I swear, I really did my best to listen to their feedback (even when it wasn’t given in the nicest manner) and internalize the fact that it was going to be a very long, arduous road ahead. But there’s just something about intellectually knowing you’re in for a long waiting game vs actually experiencing it. And let me tell you, experiencing it over the last eight months has really shown me why so many people give up.
Don’t worry. I’m not giving up (yet). But I do want to try to find ways to get better at waiting, because if I don’t I’m in for an excruciating next couple of years. But this brings me back to my broader point — we’re all bad at waiting. It’s not those of us who signed up for the multi-year torture that is literary publishing (if you’re in this boat with me, you have my sympathies. DM me and we can commiserate together). Waiting to hear back after that job interview is also miserable. Searching for a new apartment can feel like an exercise in futility. And don’t get me started on the acute agony of the day after a date, staring at your phone to see if the guy is going to text you asking you out again (sorry guys, the onus really falls on you in the beginning 🤷♀️).
What is it about waiting that is so specifically painful?
My theory is that the feeling of waiting is a particular cocktail of all the things we hate most as humans: loss of control, feelings of frustration, lack of progress, and the specific human fallacy that some specific “end goal” will finally satisfy our needs. Let’s break it down.
Whenever someone comes to me for advice on their job search, I always caution them to remember that searching for a new job can feel like the emotional equivalent of a step function. You know the ones?
What I’m basically trying to do is prepare them for the waiting game. Starting to look for a job requires a lot of initial legwork — you have to update your resume, research potential companies, see if they have the type of role you’re looking for, figure out if they’re even hiring, hopefully find people who know people who know people at some of your target companies, network with said friends of friends, then eventually actually apply.
Phew. That’s a lot right? After all that work you’d expect to start feeling some forward progress right? WRONG.
Because despite all of the legwork you just completed, the companies you’ve just applied to are only just getting started. They’re in the process of amassing applications, reviewing them internally, then setting up interviews in a manner such that they can hopefully have enough candidates to be able to make a decision in a reasonable timeframe. What does that mean for the applicants themselves? You guessed it: they have to wait. You personally feel like you’ve done all the work and you’re ready for the next step. But the truth is you’ve only just gotten started.
Publishing a manuscript is similar, except the steps take months to move through rather than days or weeks. Dating is theoretically the opposite. You sometimes get feedback in just minutes or hours, but because it’s tied up in so many emotions those hours can feel like centuries. No matter the experience, the reality is that the in between moments are the hardest to get through.
Is there a way to eliminate — or at least reduce — the agony of the waiting game? I’m not convinced that elimination is possible, but maybe we can do some mental gymnastics to get us to the point of ever-so-slight alleviation.
Is it frustrating to feel as though we don’t control our own destinies? Totally. I get it. But the sooner we realize just how little control we hold over our broader lives, but how MUCH control we hold over our present moment, the sooner we can let our vice grip on control lessen.
Losing your mind waiting for him to text you back? Call your girlfriend to distract yourself, go for a walk to clear your head, buy yourself a silly little treat to remind yourself you deserve it all.
Haven’t heard back after your second interview? Take a meeting with that company you weren’t sure about in the meantime. You never know, they may surprise you.
Waiting to hear back from an agent about your novel like me? Take a minute to really visualize what these agents’ inboxes must look like — filled to the brim with worthwhile manuscripts, each of which you hope they give the proper time and attention to.
Some empathy, a little bit of distraction, and a whole lot of perspective can go a long way to lessen the agony of waiting. Look for the magic in the little moments today rather than dwelling on the what if of the future. I recommended The Sense of an Ending by Julian Barnes in a recent article, and I’m going to bring it up again here because it’s truly one of my favorite novels. Among its many lessons, one that always sticks with me is the concept that we are so often waiting for some external milestone or validation before we give ourselves permission to really live. After I get my degree, life will finally begin. Once I reach a particular salary, I can afford to relax and find some hobbies that give me real joy. Once I find my partner, I will finally feel complete.
Don’t fall into these traps. Your life is amazing today, just as it is. Even while you’re still searching for your next chapter or that unknowable change you feel yourself seeking, you can still feel the magic every single day.