Wedding season is in full swing, so naturally TikTok is all over it. But between some adorable vow-writing videos, the trend of slipping the groom *spicy* pics of the bride, and a slew of fantastic Taylor Swift inspired transitions, I saw a new conversation emerge…apparently — at least according to not-at-all-reputable authorities on TikTok — wearing red at a wedding is not only disrespectful, but it actually means that you’ve previously slept with the groom…
I’m sorry WHAT.
As your resident professional wedding guest, I’m not ashamed to tell you that my jaw literally dropped. Not only have I never heard this supposed “rule” before, but I’ve literally worn red to multiple weddings and I can assure you, dear readers, that I had not slept with those grooms.
Rather than unpacking the specific absurdity of this particular new (fake) factoid, I want to take the opportunity to dig into some wedding etiquette “rules” and what they mean. Which ones are reasonable, which are insane, and which are just completely made up.
So here are 10 wedding rules that we’ll evaluate on the scale of basic decency to total bullsh*t:
- Not wearing white
- We’ll start with a softball. DO NOT WEAR WHITE TO A WEDDING UNLESS YOU ARE THE BRIDE. Or the bride has specifically, explicitly (preferably in writing) told you to. There are wonderful new trends where brides are eschewing old-school traditions and having, for example, their bridesmaids wear white alongside her — or she wears a completely different color. Amazing! Love it! But that was the bride’s choice, not yours. So unless the bride’s marching orders include bucking this long-standing (and completely reasonable) norm, don’t wear white — or a pattern that is more than let’s say ~40% white, cream, beige, ecru, or anything that from a distance might be confused with white.
- Rating: 10/10 keep this rule
- Not wearing black
- This was another new one that I really never thought about before TikTok started discussing it. The argument that black is more funereal than celebratory certainly came from someone who doesn’t reside in New York City. So I’m going to go ahead and call bullsh*t on this one. That being said, there is something significant to be said for being “on theme” to the wedding. So perhaps leave the black at home if the wedding is, for example, taking place on the beach in Turks & Caicos over the summer. You catch my drift? Read the room — or in this case, the invitation.
- Rating: 2/10 it’s pretty much bullsh*t but pay attention to the invitation when planning your OOTD
- No ring no bring
- There are two sides of this coin. The first, and most important, is that the couple has their own budget to keep in mind — so if that means people don’t get plus ones because they simply can’t afford to have a wedding that size, then you simply have to get over it and go solo.
- But in the event that the couple is largely offering plus ones, what about the stipulation that you can only get one if you and your SO are engaged? In today’s modern relationship, this one feels like it needs to be revised. What about your friends who’ve decided they never want to get married but are happily in a committed partnership, and have been for years? What about your friend who lives with his girlfriend but is taking some time to save up for the ring? What if your friend is in an early relationship but you see her and her (relatively) new SO all the time and have already started forging a friendship with them? There are all sorts of reasons why someone might not have *the* ring yet, but that doesn’t mean that their relationship somehow isn’t worthy of an invite.
- Now, this does beg a follow up question. How wide to cast the net of plus one invites, and how much direction can you give over plus ones. To nip the second one in the bud — if you offer someone a plus one, then it’s their prerogative to decide how to use it. You have to trust that your friend can use good judgment and wouldn’t bring some rando they just met from a dating app (I’ve seen this happen, and trust me it’s always a terrible idea). But the couple has to use a combination of their budget, venue size, and their own desired vibes for their celebration to determine just how far those plus one invites should go. My personal opinion probably falls somewhere in the realm of: everyone that’s in a serious relationship, or even a semi-serious relationship where you either know or want to know their SO. Agree/disagree? Sound off in the comments.
- Rating: 3/10, I can see the validity here but it’s more about who the bride and groom want at their wedding than anything else. Leave the ring out of it
- Rehearsal dinner invites for wedding party and out of town guests only
- This one is another that’s evolved a great deal in recent years. The rehearsal dinner used to be a true “rehearsal” focused event — meaning, only those in the wedding party who actually had to rehearse were invited to dinner. Then as our lives as humans expanded in the age of technology, it evolved into more of a “welcome” event for all out of town guests. Asking people to fly to another city (or state, or country) for a single evening feels like a lot, so why not open up another night and make it a full weekend? Nowadays, that sentiment has blown up even further to basically include everyone in every event. Is that right? I don’t know, but it’s certainly become the new norm. And given how few people actually still have a local wedding with only loved ones from the area these days, I’m inclined to vote that it feels perfectly reasonable to throw them an entire weekend of varying festivities — less so out of obligation, and more so to give yourself as the couple more opportunities to spend time with the people you love!
- Rating: 2/10 sorry but I like the shift to including more people on this invite — assuming your budget can handle it!
- Matching bridesmaid dresses
- It’s become pretty clear that this one is on its way out. And in this vein I feel comfortable saying it really is dealer’s choice (dealer being the bride, NOT her mom or her fiancé’s mom or whoever else decides to throw their opinion into the ring). I’ve been a bridesmaid plenty of times and I will say that one thing I love about leaving this tradition in the rearview mirror is that it often allows bridesmaids to shop at regular stores for their dresses, rather than requiring them to go to a bridal boutique that will 1) overcharge them, 2) tell them they’re two sizes larger than expected because somehow everything about wedding wardrobes is designed to make you feel sh*tty about yourself, and 3) take months and charge even more to “tailor” that dress to your specifications because it was supposed to be two sizes smaller to begin with. If you love the matching bridesmaid aesthetic then great, you do you, but I’m begging you to minimize the damage of those bridal boutiques as much as you possibly can 🙏
- Rating: 5/10 this one is all about the bride’s aesthetic so whatever she says (within reason) goes
- Requiring bridesmaids to adhere to a specific aesthetic
- The above made me want to dig a little bit more into the concept that brides can “dictate” how their bridesmaids look on their wedding day — because that’s another area where things have appeared to get a little out of control. As the bride, it’s perfectly acceptable to tell your bridesmaids what dresses to wear, how to generally style their hair and makeup (bonus points if you pay for HMU!), what style of shoes to wear to keep the pictures generally aesthetically aligned, and other requests in that general vein. But you are NOT allowed to…
- Tell your bridesmaids to make any permanent or semi-permanent changes to their appearance, like dyeing their hair
- Get mad at a bridesmaid for getting pregnant so that their bump is showing in pictures (it’s happened…trust me 🤦♀️)
- Require bridesmaids remove their own engagement rings so it doesn’t distract from your own rock (I’m sorry, this one is legit insane)
- Your bridesmaids are (theoretically) people you love so much that you want them standing next to you while you declare your everlasting love for your life partner. So why would you be asking them to cosplay other people while they’re supporting you? Maybe that’s the benchmark you can use to determine what’s a reasonable request and what turns you into a bridezilla.
- Rating: no rating, use your common decency here ppl
- The above made me want to dig a little bit more into the concept that brides can “dictate” how their bridesmaids look on their wedding day — because that’s another area where things have appeared to get a little out of control. As the bride, it’s perfectly acceptable to tell your bridesmaids what dresses to wear, how to generally style their hair and makeup (bonus points if you pay for HMU!), what style of shoes to wear to keep the pictures generally aesthetically aligned, and other requests in that general vein. But you are NOT allowed to…
- No posting on socials until the bride does
- This one is an interesting one, because I’d never really thought of it until I saw an influencer I follow post her list of her own “rules” for her own upcoming nuptials, and it included that no one could post her dress until she does. I’ll be honest, I totally get this in her case. But she’s an influencer, and it’s likely she’s getting sponsorships or at least desires a certain level of content creation from her wedding in addition to (hopefully) being insanely excited to marry the love of her life. So in that case, I can see making the request. BUT I’ll admit that as a regular old wedding guest with no influential aspirations whatsoever (in the social media space, at least), I would probably not even realize this mattered until it was too late. So in this case, if you’re going to make this request which feels relatively benign (even normal people can hold off posting on IG for 12-24 hours), you have to make it suuuuper clear to your guests so they don’t accidentally slip up.
- Rating: 2/10 only valid if someone’s online platform is relevant
- Bouquet and/or garter toss
- I don’t know if it’s going to be possible for me to step back from my own biases on this one. I hate these trends. They feel cringe to me. And the garter toss in particular feels like a special kind of humiliation for everyone involved. I will say that it’s pretty rare for me to even see a bouquet toss much anymore, so it seems that we’ve all agreed that this trend should be left on its own to die. So I’ll just say that I’m happy we’re all on the same page.
- Rating: 1/10…I guess if tossing the bouquet is something you’ve always dreamed about then you do you boo. Just don’t expect every single girl to leap up in excitement when you do it
- Cake cutting — and the dreaded cake smash
- Welp, just when I thought I would be able to be civil, here comes the trend I have some of the strongest opinions on. Grooms: DO NOT SMASH CAKE IN YOUR BRIDE’S FACE. She has paid hundreds (if not thousands) of dollars to have her hair and makeup done, and you ruining it for your own (or your bro’s) entertainment is downright disrespectful. We’ve all seen the video of the woman who said she explicitly told her groom not to smash the cake, then he folded like a card table when his buddies egged him on — to the point where he had to physically restrain his new wife in order to succeed in humiliating her publicly? It’s horrifying to watch, and I honestly wonder weekly whether this couple is still together or not. So I’m going to be firm on this one. If your bride tells you she doesn’t want this, there is no discussion. Period. Don’t do it. If you don’t discuss it ahead of time, still don’t do it unless you ask her and get a vehement yes (cue review of the definition of consent here). What might seem like a benign gesture to you means so much more to this woman you’re pledging your life to, trust me. This one simply has connotations that you don’t realize, so please pretty please just listen to the women here 🙄
- Rating: 5/10 on cutting the cake in general, 0/10 on the smash though you may have the goofiest relationship ever but your bride still has hundreds of dollars of makeup on her face, save the jokes for the honeymoon
- Not wearing red
- Ok, we’ve made it. The stunning finale — can you wear red to a wedding? I already spoiled the verdict here a bit at the beginning. Which is to say that, wearing red does NOT subliminally indicate that you’ve slept with the groom in the past. That’s insanity, and I’d like to eradicate any more chatter to the contrary before someone ends up creating actual life-altering drama for some poor bride and groom. But when I first saw this trend, I’ll admit I thought the punchline was actually going to be something different. Namely, is red too bold a color to wear as a wedding guest? This brings us back to the second point up top — read the room. There is a reasonable assumption that as a guest (or a bridesmaid, or the mother of the bride, or anyone in between) that you shouldn’t be trying to outshine the bride. I completely agree with this sentiment, and I’ll even put emphasis on the term trying to outshine, because, let’s be real, it’s pretty hard to outshine the bride on her own wedding day, amirite? But you (hopefully) know the couple that’s getting married, and thus have a reasonable idea as to what that would mean to this bride in particular. And if you’re bringing a plus one, you can fill them in. If this bride and her family are on the conservative side, then make sure you’re leaving the crazy cutouts or sheer gowns for another event. But let’s say the bride is a fierce Leo (the only reason I even know what that’s supposed to mean is because I, myself, am a Leo) who loves being bold and seeing her friends shine? Then go for it bb. But clear any craziness with the couple, and once again — read the room, the vibes, and the invitation carefully.
- Rating: 0/10 this is so stupid wtf
What do you think? Any other “rules” or traditions you think should be added to the list? Let’s hear ‘em…and in the meantime, have a blast at all the weddings this summer and chug some champagne for me 💃