The internet is rife with articles detailing how women are eschewing modern dating and relationships and opting to simply be alone. Is this for real? Are women (and/or men) simply over partnerships? Is this the future, or our ultimate demise?
As a recently single woman, I’ll admit I’ve been equal parts intrigued and terrified to learn more about this trend.
Everyone tells me that I simply must get on the dating apps, because that’s the only way that people meet romantic partners these days. But they’re a total cesspool, they warn. Most men (and women? Dare I suggest) simply use them for validation these days, they don’t even follow up for dates. In fact, the only men who do start conversations on the apps don’t even bother to ask you any questions about yourself. They just want to know you think they’re attractive enough to message, then they’re over it and never ask you on an actual date.
So then why am I required to use them, I ask? Well, comes the inevitable reply, because men won’t approach women in real life anymore. It’s true that it often feels like we’ve forgotten how to interact with one another irl post-pandemic. But it’s more than that, they tell me. Men are so afraid they might be perceived as creepy or misogynistic that they don’t dare approach a random woman out in the wild. What about bars, or even smaller events like a concert or at a museum? Nope, they assure me. Men won’t make the first move anymore. But don’t you dare make the first move yourself! They’re quick to add. That will surely come across as desperate. Especially at your age — wink wink nudge nudge you should have stayed with him because now you’re simply too old…
So wait. What on earth am I supposed to do?
Many would argue that the answer is quite simple. I should do nothing. Don’t bother, this commentary suggests, because we can all simply be happy alone for the rest of our lives. No muss, no fuss.
Honestly, I don’t immediately scoff at this concept. I was happy alone for years! Before my most recent relationship, I didn’t really give much thought to whether or not I was happy being single. I simply was. It wasn’t that I didn’t want a relationship per se. Looking for one simply wasn’t my top priority. And I sort of assumed I’d get it together and find one eventually. I mean, if a guy had fallen onto the sidewalk in front of me while I power walked to whatever event or lecture or show I was on my way to, made a (massive) effort to get my attention, and we’d quickly vibed — I could be down…right??
I just wasn’t being intentional because I didn’t need to be. I had a happy and fulfilling life. Full of friends in all different stages of life and relationships themselves. A supportive family who was proud of my accomplishments. And an absurdly packed social calendar with different events, shows, lectures, and the like every single night (those amazing friends can attest to how difficult it was to pin me down for a hang night). Sure, deep down I knew it would be cool to have my “person” too, but ultimately I sort of believe it would magically happen or it wouldn’t.
Then I found myself in a relationship. A great relationship even if it wasn’t the relationship. And suddenly it felt different. I saw firsthand how incredible it can be to choose someone to be your partner in life. Someone that you make the intentional decision to build your life around and with as you both strive to be better versions of yourselves. That relationship ended amicably (maybe a post about how weird it is to try to explain to your friends that nothing bad happened, you just realized you want different things in life…tbd). But now here I am thinking about how I want to proceed.
Should I listen to the people espousing this new way of thinking — alone is the only way forward? I was happy that way for years. Friends with different interests and relationship statuses themselves kept me feeling supported and loved from all sides. I live in NYC, so I knew I’d never be bored or lack things to fill my time with.
And that’s when it hit me.
I was never really alone in the first place. I always had a support system. It was just an army of friends and family rather than a single partner. A network so strong that the lack of a romantic relationship never actually felt like a true lack.
Therein lies my answer — or at least my personal opinion. It’s not actually that we’re all suddenly happy alone. It’s that we can decide how we want our personal network or support system to look. And if that means no romantic partner, then good for you!
But we all need our community. Our tribe. The person or people that make us feel like we belong (pretty sure there’s a Brene Brown quote in there I’m trying to find). Denying the fact that we all crave that sense of belonging is only going to lead to a world of unhappiness — I truly believe that. But everyone’s tribe can look different! I’ve personally decided that I want a relationship, even if that means wading into the cesspool that is dating apps and setups and even (horror of horrors) approaching men out in the wild if I like their vibes. But in the meantime, I have a massively fulfilling friend group who supports me in every way I need.
On the other side of the spectrum, I look at my dad. Recently widowed after being with his high school sweetheart for more than 50 years, he’s navigating being newly single in an entirely different way. In fact, he recently told me that he looks to my life as an example of how he can be fulfilled for the rest of his life without trying to “replace” my mom.
So what does that mean? Can we all be happy “alone” i.e. without a romantic partner? I think I’m going to coin a new Revellations catchphrase that I have a feeling will soon become your least favorite statement in the English language: it depends!
It depends on what you want, and most importantly on what you intentionally decide to prioritize in your life. We’re all a product of the infinite choices we make each and every day. Choices about how to spend our time and how to direct our energy. So you decide what you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet dictate whether or not you can tell some guy you think he’s cute. Make whatever choice today brings you one step closer to the goals you’ve chosen for yourself right now.
But also if anyone has any recommendations for the best dating app I’ll take any tips in the comments 😉